Taking your power back when you've been gaslighted

Learning to set boundaries is a process and words can help you heal through it.

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I’ll be honest : I don’t know how to describe what being gaslighted repeatedly by some people who are close to me, feels like. I can’t reassure you that once you set boundaries, they will stop gaslighting you. (Side note: this article by the Cleveland Clinic explains gaslighting quite well).

Because most of these people won’t. They will refuse to understand or accept your boundaries or limits. So until and when you draw a hard line in the sand that you do not allow them to cross, they will keep hurting you. A line that is made of fire or broken glass (metaphorically, speaking), if only to protect your heart (and sanity).

Being conditioned all my life by a largely patriarchal Asian community hasn’t helped me in my lifelong quest to be free from the shackles of gaslighting. I honestly thought I was free of it. Until a few days ago when I woke up with the realisation that I had been lying to myself. Hang on, wasn’t I in fact still gaslighted by this person despite setting a boundary?

The first thought that went through my head was: “Oh no, not again.” I tried to rationalise the feelings away, but how many times have you fought your gut feeling and succeeded? (If your answer is zero; well yeah, me too.)

So that night, I had time to myself and I tried to process my feelings with a poem. Not just what I was feeling about that particular incident, but also to reflect how being gaslighted has always left a lingering, bitter taste in my mouth.

I wrote the poem in one sitting and it goes like this:

A Shell On Someone Else’s Shore

Folding into myself
With each fold, I become
A smaller piece
To fit into a shell
On someone else’s shore.

And as I shrink,
I’m molded into becoming
A grain of sand
A monochromatic version
Of who I used to be.

I breathe deeply through
The process of disintegrating
Bones dissolving
Muscles & tissue melting
I keep shrinking.

I ache through the phasing,
Knowing from inside
The fragment that I now am
I will never truly fit
Into that man-made shell.

When I was done, I had to step away from pen and notepad for a breather — as it had been a pretty intense experience. I also realised that I had grown numb towards certain persons in my life because of repeated gaslighting.

It was time for me to draw a line in the sand. In my mind, I chose broken glass — which ironically, is what sand that has been melted down eventually becomes. Somehow, during the cathartic process of articulating my pain, frustration and disappointment via poetry, I had made a decision to set hard boundaries with these people. A decision to stand up for myself because my well-being matters.

And if gaslighting keeps happening to you too (whether by loved ones or by strangers), I hope you find the courage to ask yourself: “What is this going to cost my well-being in the long run?” I hope you draw from within the well of self-compassion that you have for yourself and say: “It stops here. Now.”

That said, if you’re looking for more inspiration and some external motivation to draw that line in the sand to counter gaslighting, here’s a wonderful reading of Still I Rise by the late, great, poet and activist Maya Angelou:

I wish you well on your journey of healing and empowerment, dear friends. More importantly, I wish you happiness from the inside-out.

Love and light,
Sharmila